Principles for Building Relationships

The Most Important Principles for Building Relationships and Influence

Would you like to know the most important principle for building relationships and influence? I learned it when I shared a golf cart with the President of the United States, Martin Sheen. Okay, well at least he played the President on TV.

Back in 1993 I worked as a Production Assistant on a movie called Major League II. On the set one day one of the Assistant Directors said, “Somebody go get me a baseball bat.” That’s when I jumped on one of the golf carts without noticing that someone was sitting right next to me. That someone was Martin Sheen. Apparently he was at the shoot to see his son Charlie.

Awestruck, I immediately went into fan mode and started saying, “Mr. Sheen, I loved you in Cadence. That was one of my favorite movies. I’m a big fan of yours!” To this day I have no idea what Martin Sheen said to me. However, I’ll never forget how he made me feel; like a million bucks! That’s right. Even though I was a lowly Production Assistant, he treated me like I was a champion. Isn’t it interesting how when we treat someone a certain way, he or she just might become it?

If you fast forward 8 years, you would see me flying home from a speaking trip to Taiwan excited because the very next day I was to introduce my idol. As the World Champion, I had earned this honor of introducing this legendary speaker at an upcoming event in Baltimore. When I got to the venue I saw 500 people pack into this high school auditorium in anticipation of the event. That’s when I went to the hallway to catch some air and finalize my preparations. Guess who was in the hallway? My idol! The rest of the hallway was clear, so it was just him and me.

I approached him and said, “I’m Craig Valentine, the 1999 World Champion of Public Speaking, and I’m honored to be introducing you today. Thank you so much for coming. We’re all very excited!” Do you know what he said to me? Absolutely nothing. Instead he just looked at me as if to say, “Young man, you don’t deserve to be on the same stage as me.” Needless to say I was shocked and embarrassed.

I walked back into the auditorium and thought, “How am I going to give him an introduction. I can’t stand him.” That’s when something very interesting happened. There are two things this speaker didn’t understand:

1. Baltimore is my town
2. Before I introduced him, the organizers were set to introduce me

When they introduced me 500 people leapt to their feet and applauded wildly because I was still a newly crowned World Champion. I walked right past this speaker and up to the stage to give him a rousing introduction. When I gave him the microphone I said, “God bless you.” He said, “God bless you too.” And guess what I started thinking? I thought, “Maybe he didn’t see me in the hallway? Maybe he was so focused he just didn’t notice that I was talking to him?” In other words, I was making excuses for him. All those excuses went out the window as soon as he said his first words.

I went down to my seat in the front row and waited for him to begin. The first words out of his mouth were, “Oh Craig, I didn’t know that was you out in the hallway.” Those words broke my heart because it meant he knew exactly what he did to whoever he thought I was. No matter who I was, you simply don’t treat people like that. When I met my idol I was a World Champion of Public Speaking but he treated me like a Production Assistant.

That’s why today I talk to people about having what I call the Sheen Factor. Again, I’m talking about Martin and not Charlie. Charlie might be a whole different factor. To me the Sheen Factor can be summed up in the following sentence:

“When you make people feel visible, you’ll always be valuable.”

Too many people try to make themselves feel valuable but the key is to make others feel visible. Don’t look through them, look at them. Here are 4 ideas to make people feel visible and practice the Sheen Factor:

1. Listen way more than you talk
2. Strive to be interested rather than interesting
3. Understand that the most important person in the world is whoever you’re talking to at that moment
4. Let people tell their stories.

This last point is the most important. There are many good storytellers in the world but not many people strive to be great story listeners. I have always said, “Everybody has a story to tell but rarely do they get a chance to tell it. Why? Because everybody has a story to tell.” If you become the listener for peoples’ stories, you’ll have more influence than you ever imagined you could have. You will have mastered the Sheen Factor.