If you Want a Wonderful Relationship, Avoid these Two Common Mistakes

When you ask most people what makes a relationship work, what do they usually say? “Communication.” I know lots of couples who “communicate” in a very passionate way. It is called “arguing.” Indeed communication can be the key to a fulfilling relationship if the following two pieces of relationship advice are in place:

1. Relinquish the need to be right

What do you think most people argue over anyway? Each person thinks he or she is right about something. Well, here is something we must understand. Even if we are right, we do damage by making the other person feel wrong. No good can come out of being proven right or being proven wrong in a relationship. I believe you have a choice. You can either be right or you can be happy.

Why Right is Wrong

 My wife and I were both collegiate athletes and those sports required a competitive nature. When we first got together as a couple, we had to learn “how not to win.” It was a huge shift in both of our paradigms (and eventually in our habits) but we figured out that when neither of us has to win, we both win. Our relationship wins. Make a commitment to yourself and to your significant other to relinquish the need to be right. When you do, your relationship will be what feels right.  

 2. Don’t cut off their energy sources

I owe this understanding to James Redfield’s novel, The Celestine Prophecy. Many couples get trapped in a power struggle of their own making. Here is what happens. Two people meet. They bring their lives together but each still has his or her own life too. Then, because they feel so energized and excited by each other, they start giving up their individual lives including the things that have always brought them energy. For example, they might stop going to the gym, stop hanging out with their friends, quit going to church or to the library, or put a halt to the other things that energize them. Then, once the “honeymoon period” is over for the relationship, reality sets in and they discover they are totally dependent on each other for energy. Yet there is only so much energy to go around so therein is the power struggle. People are not usually aware of it, but arguing is a way of manipulating your partner’s energy.

The Solution to Our Energy Crisis

The solution to this is two-fold. First, do not stop doing the things that bring energy into your individual life. Secondly, and this is so important, do not cut off the energy sources of your significant other. This means you should encourage them to do the things they like to do even when those things do not involve you. For example, my wife goes to church every Sunday morning and every Wednesday evening. She also gets up extremely early to have “her time” everyday. I could say, “Come on honey, take a week off. You don’t need to go all the time.” But I know better, because I understand that is where she gets her energy. These are her ways of renewal. Similarly, my wife never tries to stop me from jogging or reading or doing any of the things that bring me energy and we are both better off because of it.

One Caveat

Obviously if it something harmful like drugs or alcohol abuse that gives your significant other energy, then that is a whole different animal. But here I am referring to the healthy things that individuals do for energy. So the next time your significant other comes to you and says, “I would like to do this or that,” encourage him or her to do it. Your relationship will blossom because you both will bring fresh energy to it.

I know this might seem a bit too “new age” for some people. However, I speak from experience when I say these two pieces of relationship advice do wonders. After all, I am a happily married man. Oh well, it is time for my jog!