A Lesson from the Road

I run with a group called the Striders and we have weekly races. Several years ago we had a 6-mile race on a hot and muggy Sunday afternoon.  There was also a 2-mile race for those who didn’t want to run as long. The 6-mile race involved running the 2-mile circular route three times.  

About two minutes after the race began, I got confused. People who I normally kept pace with were flying way ahead of me. I thought, “Well, maybe they know something about this course that I don’t. I guess I’ll run faster than normal.” I picked up my pace and kept stride with the others. I felt more tired than I usually did but I kept running fast so I could stick with them.

The Startling Revelation

We hit the first 2-mile lap and shortly afterwards I realized something. I was running alone. I quickly looked behind me and that’s when my heart sank. Suddenly I understood why so many of my regular pace-buddies had run so fast. It was because they had run the 2-mile race! They were done!

I can’t tell you what went through my mind without changing this to an R-rated blog. As tired as I already was, I remember thinking, “I still have 4 more miles to go!” Mile after mile more of the smarter 6-mile runners started passing me and I felt like their eyes were saying, “Poor guy. He doesn’t know how to pace himself.” The truth is I do know how to pace myself. The problem was I was trying to keep up with people who were not even running my race.

Are you trying to Keep up with the Jones’s?

Have you ever done that? Chances are, whenever you compare yourself to someone else, you take yourself out of your own race. I barely finished the race that day. Even a 10-year old kid strutted past me. But I’m glad it happened because I learned a valuable life lesson. Here it is: run your race.

Here are some of the things we tend to compare to others:

• Income levels
• Type of job
•  Size of our home
• Where we are in life in terms of relationships and family
• Level of education
• Proficiency in our field
• And much more

My suggestion is to stop comparing and remember to run your race. Otherwise you could end up tired and nearly broken trying to keep up with the Jones’s even though they are running a different race.

Run your race.

1. Relinquish the need to be right

What do you think most people argue over anyway? Each person thinks he or she is right about something. Well, here is something we must understand. Even if we are right, we do damage by making the other person feel wrong. No good can come out of being proven right or being proven wrong in a relationship. I believe you have a choice. You can either be right or you can be happy.

Why Right is Wrong

 My wife and I were both collegiate athletes and those sports required a competitive nature. When we first got together as a couple, we had to learn “how not to win.” It was a huge shift in both of our paradigms (and eventually in our habits) but we figured out that when neither of us has to win, we both win. Our relationship wins. Make a commitment to yourself and to your significant other to relinquish the need to be right. When you do, your relationship will be what feels right.  

 2. Don’t cut off their energy sources

I owe this understanding to James Redfield’s novel, The Celestine Prophecy. Many couples get trapped in a power struggle of their own making. Here is what happens. Two people meet. They bring their lives together but each still has his or her own life too. Then, because they feel so energized and excited by each other, they start giving up their individual lives including the things that have always brought them energy. For example, they might stop going to the gym, stop hanging out with their friends, quit going to church or to the library, or put a halt to the other things that energize them. Then, once the “honeymoon period” is over for the relationship, reality sets in and they discover they are totally dependent on each other for energy. Yet there is only so much energy to go around so therein is the power struggle. People are not usually aware of it, but arguing is a way of manipulating your partner’s energy.

The Solution to Our Energy Crisis

The solution to this is two-fold. First, do not stop doing the things that bring energy into your individual life. Secondly, and this is so important, do not cut off the energy sources of your significant other. This means you should encourage them to do the things they like to do even when those things do not involve you. For example, my wife goes to church every Sunday morning and every Wednesday evening. She also gets up extremely early to have “her time” everyday. I could say, “Come on honey, take a week off. You don’t need to go all the time.” But I know better, because I understand that is where she gets her energy. These are her ways of renewal. Similarly, my wife never tries to stop me from jogging or reading or doing any of the things that bring me energy and we are both better off because of it.

One Caveat

Obviously if it something harmful like drugs or alcohol abuse that gives your significant other energy, then that is a whole different animal. But here I am referring to the healthy things that individuals do for energy. So the next time your significant other comes to you and says, “I would like to do this or that,” encourage him or her to do it. Your relationship will blossom because you both will bring fresh energy to it.

I know this might seem a bit too “new age” for some people. However, I speak from experience when I say these two pieces of relationship advice do wonders. After all, I am a happily married man. Oh well, it is time for my jog!

 In the Closet?

The next day I got an e-mail from one of my other relatives who was at the house when this occurred. It said, “I’m glad you responded with ‘outstanding.’ More people should be that positive.” It’s no coincidence that he’s a very positive person too. But isn’t it a shame that people feel they have to be “closet positive people?”

The Cycle of Success

 Here’s what my family didn’t seem to understand at that time. There is a cycle of language and life. What you say, you will display. I call it the CSI Mind, because, as soon as you declare it, your mind searches for evidence that it’s there. In my case, when I stated that I’m “Outstanding,” my mind searched for the outstanding things in my day and found them. Then I really did feel outstanding and so when people asked me how I was doing I’d naturally and truly say, “Outstanding.” That would start the entire cycle over again. This language writes the script for my life and for yours.

 The Consequence of not using the Cycle

Here’s the sad part. About 6 months after the visit to my relative’s house, I ran into one of my friends who said, “Craig, you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. What’s going on?” I hadn’t realized it but, when he brought it up, I did feel like I was in a bit of a fog. Then he said something that lifted that fog for me. He said, “You don’t even talk the same way anymore. I used to ask you how you were and you’d always say ‘outstanding’ or ‘fantastic’ but you don’t say that anymore. What’s up?”

 Is the Cycle working for you or Against You?

That’s when it hit me. Due to the reaction I received at my own family’s house, I stopped saying ‘outstanding’ when I was asked. I didn’t realize how much this one change had affected the quality of my life. When I stopped saying ‘outstanding’ I stopped feeling outstanding. I let the cycle of language and life work against me instead of for me. This is what many people do but surely we deserve to treat ourselves better.

 Want One Great Day After Another?

Put the cycle of language and life to work for you. Tell people you feel “outstanding” and watch as your CSI Mind proves you right. Say it and then display it and then say it again and display it again. You can talk yourself into having one great day after another. And if someone inside or outside of your family says, “Someone turn him off,” don’t listen. These are the same people who think the phrase “good morning” is an oxymoron. They obviously don’t know the power of the cycle of language and life. If you want to be more confident, more peaceful, and happier, then reflect that in your language. Today when people ask me how I am, I say, “Oustanding.” Your turn. How are you?

On January 13^th, 1982, my eyes were fixated upon the television as I watched a horrible scene take place. Air Florida Flight 90 had crashed into the icy Potomac River (about 30 miles from my home) and passengers were floating around struggling to survive. Four motorists and 74 passengers were killed. It later turned out there was too much ice and snow built up on the wings but that that pilots decided to take off anyway. Why? Apparently the pilots were in a rush. They never got to where they were going.

One of the Most Important Decisions You Can Make

After Aliyah’s death I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I decided I will not rush. I will not rush in my car, in my career, in my speaking, in my walking, in my reading, in my parenting, in my assignments or in anything else. I simply will not rush. My least favorite word became ASAP.  What has happened as a result? Ironically, the less I rush, the faster I get to where I am going. Keep in mind the two failed flights above never reached their destination because they rushed. This is what happens in most peoples’ lives when they rush. They rush and rush and rush and never get to where they are going.

When you rush, there is an accident waiting to happen. Plus, it’s unnatural to rush. Nature doesn’t rush to grow plants, fruits, or grass. Whenever we rush, we go against natural law and we usually pay the consequences. Sometimes we pay the ultimate price.

Most People Still Rush and They Pay the Price

Lots of people want to get rich quick and end up in a financial black hole. Others plant seeds (reading, writing, learning, and growing) on a regular natural basis and get rich slowly but surely. These kinds of riches include more than money. Because they don’t rush, they create lasting rich friendships, rich experiences (that they can actually enjoy because they’re not rushing through them), rich family lives, and so on.

Make your New Commitment

I suggest that you make a commitment to yourself not to rush anymore. You’ll sense a peace come over you that you never felt before. You’ll feel the stress fall from your shoulders and breathe the adventure back into your life. You’ll find new opportunities that you didn’t see when you were rushing to that next place. Will others still rush and expect you to rush too? Absolutely. But your job is to let the world rush by and not get caught up in other peoples’ rush hours. They don’t only have rush hours, they have rush days and rush weeks and rush years. Before they know it, they’re home before they realize they missed the entire journey.

I can’t promise that when you stop rushing you will be free of all accidents. But what I can promise is that when you stop rushing you will find yourself living on purpose. Rest in peace Aliyah.

Act vs. React

Morgan Wootten, one of the top high school basketball coaches ever, gave me perhaps the most important advice I ever heard about life. He said, “Those who act win, those who react lose.” He was talking about basketball but it applies just as effectively to life. In basketball, if you let your opponent dictate what you do, you will lose. If you force them to react to you, you will win. In life, if you let all your outside circumstances dictate what you should do, where you should go, and how you should feel, you will lose. However, if you take an inside-out approach and discover what you want to do, where you want to go, and how you want to feel, and then you let the world react to you, you will win.

Are you Reactive?

Remember the comedian Jeff Foxworthy? He used to give that routine that said “You might be a redneck.” Well, this blog is not about a redneck. Instead, I’m going to replace that phrase with, “You might be reactive.” If you identify with any of the following statements, you might be reactive.

• If you listen or watch the news first thing in the morning, you might be reactive. It’s important to know what’s going on in the world, but you don’t need to focus on it first thing in the morning. Check the news later in the day.
• If you check e-mail before you do the important proactive things in your day, you might be reactive
• If you check voicemail before you do the important proactive things in your day, you might be reactive
• If you look in the help-wanted ads before you write down your likes and dislikes about what you want out of your career, you might be reactive
• If you jump on your Social Media sites before you put yourself in a positive frame of mind, you might be reactive.

Are you Acting on Life?

Do you identify with any of the actions above? Let’s look at what you can do to act instead of react to life on a daily basis.

• Read something positive when you first arise in the morning. I read “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen or “Self-Reliance” by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whatever you read, make sure it puts you in a good frame of mind.
• Use affirmations. Once I started using affirmations first thing in the morning, the rest of my days became a positive reflection of those affirmations and good things were made manifest.
• Express your gratefulness first thing in the morning. Not everybody wakes up to another day. Be thankful that you have another opportunity to make a positive impact on the world today.
• Write down and focus on at least 3 things you will do today no matter what else happens. Doing this allows you to continue acting and moving forward rather than reacting and staying on your heels. Just because you’ve been busy doesn’t mean you’ve been productive. However, when you get the 3 things done that you proactively planned, you will act on life and you will win.

It’s interesting how I took my son to school but I was the one who got the lesson. “Those who act win, those who react lose.” Are you acting or reacting?

My Downfall can be Your Upswing

Once, as a 9-year old kid, I pitched in a baseball game and struck out nearly all the batters. The next day my family and I traveled to Pittsburgh to see my grandparents and I ran through the door yelling, “Nana, Papa, guess what? I pitched a shutout and nobody could hit the ball off me!” Immediately my father stepped in and said, “Craig, don’t brag like that. Bragging is not a good thing. You won’t always pitch that well and your next game might not be as good.”

Now that’s definitely sound advice with great intentions. However, as a 9-year old, all I heard was, “Your next game might not be as good.” Guess what? It wasn’t! In fact, with this new mantra rolling around in my mind, my next game was horrible. I couldn’t throw a strike. I walked so many kids around the bases that, after the game, one of the kid’s brothers on the other team approached me and said, “Hey, would you like to walk my dog too?” How cruel.

My New Belief

That was an emotional moment for me, which drove home the following new belief; when good things happen, bad things will follow. In other words, if I have a good game, or test score, or performance of any kind, the next one “won’t be as good.” This became a self-fulfilling prophecy because anytime something good came my way I got scared and thought, “Something bad is right around the corner.” Then I’d manifest that bad thing.

As a result, for nearly two decades after that incident I put an unconscious limit on the amount of success that could come into my life. It could have been raining success outside but I was basically walking around with a teacup rather than a bucket. I could only accept so much before I was overflowing.  For example, if I got a raise I would find a way to quit the job. If I got into a great relationship I would find an excuse to mess it up or get out of it. If I made good money I would find a way to lose it. I was generally scared of too much success. I had an “It’s too good to be true” attitude, which made me a poor receiver.

The Path of the Poor Receiver

Here’s what I figured out as I grew older. Most people have this same teacup complex to some degree! It’s not just failure that holds people back, it is success too. People feel like “what goes up must come down” and so they unconsciously beat themselves to the punch by sabotaging their own success. They might not sabotage it all but they sabotage just enough to keep themselves in their realm of comfort.

 I worked with homeless men who were striving every day to get back on their feet. This was almost always a successful process until…they got back on their feet. As soon as they’d get a new job or some semblance of success came their way, they’d mess it up by turning back to drugs or leaving the program or finding a reason to get put out. Why? It’s because their teacup couldn’t hold that much success. They were poor receivers. It’s not just the homeless though. Here are some other examples:

• Someone makes it all the way to the World Championship of Public Speaking just to go over time on the speech and be disqualified because of it.
• A boxer becomes the best in the world but then gets arrested and put in prison
• A friend of mine keeps hopping from job to job and just when he gets promoted, he gets in a fight with his managers and keeps getting fired

Are you Aware of your Ability to Receive?

All too often this teacup complex is unconscious so the first step is to become aware of it. Let’s look at some questions to help you determine if you suffer at all from this poor receiver complex:

• Do you cringe or feel at all uncomfortable when people give you compliments?
• Do you ever shrug off compliments and say, “Awe, it was nothing.”?
• Are you okay with other people picking up the check after a meal?
• When someone gives you a gift, how do you feel? Obligated?
• If a great tribute were held in your honor, would you feel worthy of it?
• Have you ever made excuses for your success? For example, you might have said something like, “Well there weren’t very many people in my department and that’s why I won Manager of the Year.”

If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you have at least a bit of this complex. If you answered no to all of these questions, read them again. If you still answered no, the following advice can still help you.  

So How Can We Fix this Complex or Improve our Receiving Ability?

Three words will help.  When I learned to use these 3 words, my whole world opened up and, over time, I felt a tremendous increase of self-worth (and net worth for that matter). I came upon these words as I watched an awards show that had a tribute to the movie mogul Tyler Perry. Praise upon praise was tossed his way by the most heralded people in Hollywood before he finally approached the microphone to receive his reward. The first words out of his mouth were the following: “I receive that.”

I was blown away. “I receive that?” He didn’t make any excuse for why he had done so well. He didn’t say, “Awe, it was nothing.” He didn’t look as if he had a teacup in the midst of raining praise. Instead, he appeared to have an ocean. It seemed like his level of success was unlimited. I receive that!

From that day on, every single time I received a compliment in person or online (which happens a lot in my line of work), I quietly said to myself, “I receive that.” I still do this each and every time! And then of course I thank the person and never try to shun the compliment. It’s no coincidence that, in the last several years, I have had so much success come my way. The fact is I’m able to receive it fully because I continue to build my receiving muscle daily. Are you building yours?

Again, if you can’t receive a compliment, you can’t receive much else including higher levels of success. You just won’t have the capacity to handle it. However, every time you say, “I receive that,” you automatically turn your teacup into a bucket and then into a river and then into an ocean so that there is no limit to how much success you can stand. With each “I receive that,” you will become a wider receiver and you’ll feel your self-worth rising every single day.

Your Next Pitch

When I look back on where I was a decade ago, I can hardly recognize that limited individual. It’s appropriate though that my teacup complex started with me as a baseball pitcher. Why? Because  metaphorically speaking I was always worrying about the next pitch. Now I finally understand that “The next pitch is to myself.” Your next pitch is to yourself. You have to pitch yourself on the idea of your own worth…your own greatness, and you have to do it consistently.  It’s not hard, it only takes 3 words.

Your Next 30 Days

For the next 30 days, whenever someone gives you a compliment or some good fortune comes your way, practice saying, “I receive that.” You should find yourself saying it several times per day. This is how you become a wide receiver. As you scanned through this message you might have found yourself saying, “Craig, this is a really great idea. I’m going to use it to take the limit off my success. Your messages are changing the world.” Well, I just have one thing to say. I receive that.

Remember, your dream is not for sale!

•  The winners kept their eyes on the finish line
• The losers kept their eyes on…the winners

 It’s true. Almost to a tee, every kid who lost consistently glanced over at the winner while he was running. Guess what? That’s life! The winners in life keep their eyes focused on their vision. The losers in life keep their eyes focused on everything else including the winners.

 Surely you’ve heard people say, “I should have won that” or, “I got robbed” or “I would have accomplished this but this and that got in my way.” Losers also keep their eyes on what the winners are doing and, rather than running their own race, they often criticize the kind of race the winners are running.

 For example, I recently had a guy e-mail me to criticize me for starting a new online course. I also happen to know he criticized a good friend of mine for starting a new home-study course. In other words, this person is keeping his eyes on the winners rather than doing anything to run his own race. I want to ask him, “What about your vision?” People like this will never win because their focus is in the wrong place.

 I challenge you for the next 30 days to internalize and practice the following motto:

 Excellence without Excuse

 Keep your focus on your vision and run your own race. You’ll find yourself making consistent leaps towards manifesting your vision. Winners keep their eyes on their vision. Losers keep their eyes on the winners?

 Where are you looking?

“What you do with a little, you do with a lot”

What you do with one penny, you will do with one dollar. What you do with one dollar you will do with $100. What you do with $100 you will do with $1000 and so on and so on. But wait, there’s more! You might hold one penny’s worth of time in your hands. For example, you might have found 10 spare minutes in your day. What you do with those 10 minutes is what you will do with an hour. Do you get the point?

What do you get when you give a heavy drinker more spare time? You get a heavier drinker. Why? It’s because what you do with a little creates the habits that guide you with what you do with a lot. Therefore, respect a penny like you respect a dollar. Respect 10 minutes like you respect an hour. Use them to build habits that lift you up not let you down. If you can read 60 pages of a book in an hour then read 10 pages of a book when you get 10 spare minutes. If you invest 10% of  $10,000 then make sure you also invest 10% of $100. It’s not the amount that counts but the habits that matter. What you do with a little, you do with a lot.

I hold in my hand one penny. What’s it worth?

I walked confidently over to the scale as the doctor placed my beautiful daughter in my arms. Then it happened. I looked down at the scale and was shocked at what it said. Holding my daughter in my arms, I immediately looked at my wife and said, “Wow, this is one fat baby!”

Isn’t it interesting how, when things don’t go our way or when we don’t measure up to some standard, it’s almost in our DNA to blame someone else? Isn’t it ironic that I blamed my daughter for carrying too much weight when most of the time we blame others for not carrying enough weight? Think about it. One department blames another. One employee blames his boss. One spouse points the finger at another and relationships fall apart.

This would not happen as often if we just did one thing; measure ourselves and face reality. After I finally faced reality of what I weighed, I found myself on the fast track to losing weight and gaining great health. I lost 37 pounds in 6 months but, more importantly, I made life changes that are sustainable. It has been 6 years and those changes have me at my healthiest point ever. You master what you measure. What is your scale?

The great news is you can measure yourself in all aspects of life. For example, I wear an audio recorder during every single speech I give. Why? It’s because that’s one of my scales. After my speech, I can go home and listen to it and see how to improve the next one. You master what you measure.

What is it that you would like to master? How are you measuring your progress?  What is your scale?